Kite-flyer

"The stark emptiness.

Consuming from within.

Killing me softly."

I looked at the Facebook photos of him and her again.

Smiles greeted me with every attempt at making me feel the same happiness depicted. Yet all I could feel were daggers driving straight at the epicenter of my heart. Their happiness made me jealous; I could feel my eyes swell with tears that were threatening to drop any moment. She should have been mine, and I shouldn't have spent Christmas night alone.

Months ago we were spending days of joy and blithe together. Inseparable, we cherished every single second of the limited time that we had. It was so sweet I believed I was in fairyland. My wildest dreams came true, and I thought she was the one. Never would I have imagined that those happy days would end so quickly. I thought I made a mistake, but no, that was not the case. She found someone new, someone that could provide better for her, someone that could satisfy her materialistic fantasies, someone that she thought was better.

There was nothing I could do except to throw myself into self-deprivation. I could not accept this. I pleaded with myself to move on, but it was way harder than I thought. I am like a kite whose string snapped, flying around aimlessly in the sky, helpless and simply thrashed around by the unforgiving brutal winds. When the winds stopped I would dive head-on to the ground, suffering bruises and pain. Yet what could I do? The wind picked me up again but I was still played around in the sky with no control of my own. When the winds stopped and I would crash into the ground again. This was a never-ending vicious cycle, and I am a victim of my own doing.

I need the string back on me again.

I need someone who can guide me along, someone who is willing to stay with me, be it in clear skies or stormy nights. I need someone who never gives up no matter how tough the going gets. Like a dedicated kite-flyer and his kite, we can overcome everything together so long as we have that little bit of faith and commitment.

I am still waiting for my kite-flyer. No more Facebook for me at the moment.

The man, the circle, the world.

"You, one lonely man.

On an almighty planet.

The world. Against. You."

He walked the chaotic streets in silence. With sluggish pulls his feet dragged against the cold hard concrete floor, his head hung low. In his mind there were so many things running through he found it almost impossible to think straight. Ever since he entered the circle nothing went right. Nothing. The night sky attempted brilliance with the crescent of the moon and the occasional shimmering of the stars, yet all he took in was the gloominess of the impending clouds. 

Grey. He felt the grey and the loneliness.

In the circle everyone had different characteristics. Some were the most beautiful beings on earth, someone were bequeathed with wealth, and there were the occasional few with a decent heart. In this circle everyone lived lives against the traditional norm. There were some who tried to gain acceptance from the world, while some simply rebelled and started their brand new lives. But there was one thing that bound all of them together- and that was to seek true love. True love, however, was too intangible in the circle. Everyone was too materialistic and focused on the immediate gains, with none who had the far sight to see what they really want.

So when he entered the circle, he struggled and lived a living hell. Delusions and self-deprivations tossed him into a realm of pain and regret. He fought to get out of the circle, but like a ravaging tornado it just sucked him back in, deeper and deeper with every futile attempt at escaping.

He was lost in transition. The circle, it appears, was his nemesis.

Truth vs. Expectations

"Truth hurts. Like boulders

That comes crashing down after

A ghastly landslide."

People say that expectations are good. When you expect something, there is a deeper yearning that makes you believe what you perceive in your head. When you expect you results to be good, your head pictures the joy and happiness of the celebrations of stellar grades, culminating in an euphoric moment that only you have the privilege to experience. Similarly, when you expect your results to be bad, you picture the possible ramifications that accompanies the announcement of your grades. The feeling of negative expectations bugs and torments you. Yet even negative expectations are good because it comes with a great degree of certainty; you are ready to deal with any possible outcomes because you have already expected it.

So in this case expectations are like perceived truths. These truths are what you strongly stand for because your mind, body and soul are already acclimatized to the expectations that you have.  In a way your expectations direct the way you live your life. So when what you expect defies reality, you find it incredibly hard to accept. Especially if it was a complete opposite of what you expected. At this point in time you start to doubt yourself severely, questioning your rationality and sanity. When perceptions are a complete contrast from reality everything becomes a hoax. But this is how the world works. Because nothing will go the way that you want it to be. Invariably there are bound to be disappointing moments that keep you in a state of perplex, when you will never be able to figure out why the world and the people around you are the way they are. You wonder why nothing ever goes the way you expected it to be. 

Deal with it. Because you live in a world of ugly truths.

Finding you

Life is complex, like
Finding needles in haystacks,
Daunting. Tormenting.

I remember the first time I saw you. It was a scene non-erasable because my heart was palpitating so wildly I wasn't sure what I was thinking or doing. The first gaze we exchanged was momentous but that had me holding my breath for what seems like an eternity. As I gradually regained my composure I turned around and there you are, staring back at me. I wouldn't believe my luck; you look so gorgeous and perfect, yet you are interested in me. I smiled a gratuitous smile.

Of course, numbers were exchanged.

And in the week that passed we exchanged smses and calls, with a planned meet-up at the end of the week. I was so looking forward to it, and darn, something untoward must happen to me. Just 12 hours before our scheduled meet-up, my phone was stolen. Now, you can't contact me, I can't contact you. The pictures of happiness and bliss that I painted for ourselves burnt down to ashes in that instant. Now, all I can do is to try my hardest to meet you again. It took me 18 years to find you. Must I wait an arduous 18 years to see you again? May a miracle befall me.

New embrace

For the first time you find yourself spending Sunday alone. You tell yourself that it is alright, that this is simply a rite of passage that you will ultimately get used to. Yet deep down you know you are far from alright. There is this lingering tinge of pain; your heart wrenches uncontrollably every other minute as your mind wander off. You find yourself walking over to your phone every now and then to check if there are any messages no matter how hard you try to preoccupy yourself. Even when you have chucked it into the deepest corner of your wardrobe you dig it out time after time. You are certain a miracle will happen. Then you sniggered. You know you are chiding yourself, yet you chide yourself nonetheless.

Stop.

Stop this self-deprivation. Stop this ridiculing of yourself. Stop stooping so low and making yourself so cheap and desperate. Stop this nonsensical trouncing of your dignity. You deserve better. And you need to acknowledge that you are much better than what you are being thought of. Get over it, move on.

New life

Today I take the big step forward. I don't care anymore if you cared, because I know that even without breathing the air you exhale I can still survive. I will no longer harp on what was never meant to be. Today the sun shines brightly; every ray disperses with intensity the shadows that have haunted my life for so long. My life will no longer revolve around you, because from now on the world will revolve around me.

You think you are in control? Not anymore.

Father's Day

"Of blue skies that shield,
You yield the most protection.
Happy Father's Day."

It is the time of the year when everyone goes on a flustered frenzy to make sure his/her dad feels like he is the king of the world. Restaurants encounter unprecedented long queues, gift shops reap in rocketed sales, and card shops brim with never-ending orders for cards and gift wrappers. It is the time of the year when everyone realizes (again) just how important and wonderful and awesome their fathers are. It has almost become a norm: On every third Sunday of June, everyone will put down everything they are preoccupied with and spend this momentous day in lavish.

Yet in my humble dwelling, everything remains the same. Dad has gone out to work again. It has never been our tradition to celebrate Father's Day, and Dad has never placed any emphasis on this occasion. He is simply a down-to-earth man who always ensure that food is placed on the table no matter how hard the times are. He is not those loud out-spoken man who shines through in crowds; he is not the oppressive dictator who enforces strict laws on his children and making home feel like a prison; and he is certainly not the lovey-dovey dad who heaps reward upon reward on his children.

He, is my dad, a dad like no other.

He is a dad who only knows how to give and never receive. Every cent and dollar that he earns goes to his family. When I open his wardrobe, I can never tell which is his newest shirt, because the last time he spent on clothes was so long ago, decades even. He is a dad who works so hard till he is old and frail, and yet never utter a word of complaint. His dedication and drive to give the best to the family is unparallelled. He never says it, but I know deep down he loves his family and will do everything he can to protect it. Just words alone would never be sufficient to describe how great and forgiving my dad is.

Pa, Happy Father's Day. Don't work so hard anymore, start taking care of your health. In 6 years' time I will start working and provide for you. I will give you a good life. Everything that you have done has really touched me and transformed me into a better man. You are my influence, I am your follower. You have left down a legacy, and I will continue writing it into the most beautiful fairytale ever. Because you are the best, and you deserve the best.