Kite-flyer

"The stark emptiness.

Consuming from within.

Killing me softly."

I looked at the Facebook photos of him and her again.

Smiles greeted me with every attempt at making me feel the same happiness depicted. Yet all I could feel were daggers driving straight at the epicenter of my heart. Their happiness made me jealous; I could feel my eyes swell with tears that were threatening to drop any moment. She should have been mine, and I shouldn't have spent Christmas night alone.

Months ago we were spending days of joy and blithe together. Inseparable, we cherished every single second of the limited time that we had. It was so sweet I believed I was in fairyland. My wildest dreams came true, and I thought she was the one. Never would I have imagined that those happy days would end so quickly. I thought I made a mistake, but no, that was not the case. She found someone new, someone that could provide better for her, someone that could satisfy her materialistic fantasies, someone that she thought was better.

There was nothing I could do except to throw myself into self-deprivation. I could not accept this. I pleaded with myself to move on, but it was way harder than I thought. I am like a kite whose string snapped, flying around aimlessly in the sky, helpless and simply thrashed around by the unforgiving brutal winds. When the winds stopped I would dive head-on to the ground, suffering bruises and pain. Yet what could I do? The wind picked me up again but I was still played around in the sky with no control of my own. When the winds stopped and I would crash into the ground again. This was a never-ending vicious cycle, and I am a victim of my own doing.

I need the string back on me again.

I need someone who can guide me along, someone who is willing to stay with me, be it in clear skies or stormy nights. I need someone who never gives up no matter how tough the going gets. Like a dedicated kite-flyer and his kite, we can overcome everything together so long as we have that little bit of faith and commitment.

I am still waiting for my kite-flyer. No more Facebook for me at the moment.

The man, the circle, the world.

"You, one lonely man.

On an almighty planet.

The world. Against. You."

He walked the chaotic streets in silence. With sluggish pulls his feet dragged against the cold hard concrete floor, his head hung low. In his mind there were so many things running through he found it almost impossible to think straight. Ever since he entered the circle nothing went right. Nothing. The night sky attempted brilliance with the crescent of the moon and the occasional shimmering of the stars, yet all he took in was the gloominess of the impending clouds. 

Grey. He felt the grey and the loneliness.

In the circle everyone had different characteristics. Some were the most beautiful beings on earth, someone were bequeathed with wealth, and there were the occasional few with a decent heart. In this circle everyone lived lives against the traditional norm. There were some who tried to gain acceptance from the world, while some simply rebelled and started their brand new lives. But there was one thing that bound all of them together- and that was to seek true love. True love, however, was too intangible in the circle. Everyone was too materialistic and focused on the immediate gains, with none who had the far sight to see what they really want.

So when he entered the circle, he struggled and lived a living hell. Delusions and self-deprivations tossed him into a realm of pain and regret. He fought to get out of the circle, but like a ravaging tornado it just sucked him back in, deeper and deeper with every futile attempt at escaping.

He was lost in transition. The circle, it appears, was his nemesis.

Truth vs. Expectations

"Truth hurts. Like boulders

That comes crashing down after

A ghastly landslide."

People say that expectations are good. When you expect something, there is a deeper yearning that makes you believe what you perceive in your head. When you expect you results to be good, your head pictures the joy and happiness of the celebrations of stellar grades, culminating in an euphoric moment that only you have the privilege to experience. Similarly, when you expect your results to be bad, you picture the possible ramifications that accompanies the announcement of your grades. The feeling of negative expectations bugs and torments you. Yet even negative expectations are good because it comes with a great degree of certainty; you are ready to deal with any possible outcomes because you have already expected it.

So in this case expectations are like perceived truths. These truths are what you strongly stand for because your mind, body and soul are already acclimatized to the expectations that you have.  In a way your expectations direct the way you live your life. So when what you expect defies reality, you find it incredibly hard to accept. Especially if it was a complete opposite of what you expected. At this point in time you start to doubt yourself severely, questioning your rationality and sanity. When perceptions are a complete contrast from reality everything becomes a hoax. But this is how the world works. Because nothing will go the way that you want it to be. Invariably there are bound to be disappointing moments that keep you in a state of perplex, when you will never be able to figure out why the world and the people around you are the way they are. You wonder why nothing ever goes the way you expected it to be. 

Deal with it. Because you live in a world of ugly truths.

Finding you

Life is complex, like
Finding needles in haystacks,
Daunting. Tormenting.

I remember the first time I saw you. It was a scene non-erasable because my heart was palpitating so wildly I wasn't sure what I was thinking or doing. The first gaze we exchanged was momentous but that had me holding my breath for what seems like an eternity. As I gradually regained my composure I turned around and there you are, staring back at me. I wouldn't believe my luck; you look so gorgeous and perfect, yet you are interested in me. I smiled a gratuitous smile.

Of course, numbers were exchanged.

And in the week that passed we exchanged smses and calls, with a planned meet-up at the end of the week. I was so looking forward to it, and darn, something untoward must happen to me. Just 12 hours before our scheduled meet-up, my phone was stolen. Now, you can't contact me, I can't contact you. The pictures of happiness and bliss that I painted for ourselves burnt down to ashes in that instant. Now, all I can do is to try my hardest to meet you again. It took me 18 years to find you. Must I wait an arduous 18 years to see you again? May a miracle befall me.

New embrace

For the first time you find yourself spending Sunday alone. You tell yourself that it is alright, that this is simply a rite of passage that you will ultimately get used to. Yet deep down you know you are far from alright. There is this lingering tinge of pain; your heart wrenches uncontrollably every other minute as your mind wander off. You find yourself walking over to your phone every now and then to check if there are any messages no matter how hard you try to preoccupy yourself. Even when you have chucked it into the deepest corner of your wardrobe you dig it out time after time. You are certain a miracle will happen. Then you sniggered. You know you are chiding yourself, yet you chide yourself nonetheless.

Stop.

Stop this self-deprivation. Stop this ridiculing of yourself. Stop stooping so low and making yourself so cheap and desperate. Stop this nonsensical trouncing of your dignity. You deserve better. And you need to acknowledge that you are much better than what you are being thought of. Get over it, move on.

New life

Today I take the big step forward. I don't care anymore if you cared, because I know that even without breathing the air you exhale I can still survive. I will no longer harp on what was never meant to be. Today the sun shines brightly; every ray disperses with intensity the shadows that have haunted my life for so long. My life will no longer revolve around you, because from now on the world will revolve around me.

You think you are in control? Not anymore.

Father's Day

"Of blue skies that shield,
You yield the most protection.
Happy Father's Day."

It is the time of the year when everyone goes on a flustered frenzy to make sure his/her dad feels like he is the king of the world. Restaurants encounter unprecedented long queues, gift shops reap in rocketed sales, and card shops brim with never-ending orders for cards and gift wrappers. It is the time of the year when everyone realizes (again) just how important and wonderful and awesome their fathers are. It has almost become a norm: On every third Sunday of June, everyone will put down everything they are preoccupied with and spend this momentous day in lavish.

Yet in my humble dwelling, everything remains the same. Dad has gone out to work again. It has never been our tradition to celebrate Father's Day, and Dad has never placed any emphasis on this occasion. He is simply a down-to-earth man who always ensure that food is placed on the table no matter how hard the times are. He is not those loud out-spoken man who shines through in crowds; he is not the oppressive dictator who enforces strict laws on his children and making home feel like a prison; and he is certainly not the lovey-dovey dad who heaps reward upon reward on his children.

He, is my dad, a dad like no other.

He is a dad who only knows how to give and never receive. Every cent and dollar that he earns goes to his family. When I open his wardrobe, I can never tell which is his newest shirt, because the last time he spent on clothes was so long ago, decades even. He is a dad who works so hard till he is old and frail, and yet never utter a word of complaint. His dedication and drive to give the best to the family is unparallelled. He never says it, but I know deep down he loves his family and will do everything he can to protect it. Just words alone would never be sufficient to describe how great and forgiving my dad is.

Pa, Happy Father's Day. Don't work so hard anymore, start taking care of your health. In 6 years' time I will start working and provide for you. I will give you a good life. Everything that you have done has really touched me and transformed me into a better man. You are my influence, I am your follower. You have left down a legacy, and I will continue writing it into the most beautiful fairytale ever. Because you are the best, and you deserve the best.

Freedom

It feels good when I return to civilization and know that there are things for me to do, people for me meet, and a life for me to lead. There is just so much; new songs waiting to be unearthed, new movies waiting to be enjoyed, new food waiting to be savored, and the list goes on. Life is so much more when the level to regimentation is reduced to its minimal. I love the way things are and I want to make full use of the 48 hours that I have right now- starting from this blog post.

Everyone has the same amount of time. But I want to make mine count. So starting from now I will do meaningful things, things that mean something to me, things that I care about. I want to make a difference to my life, and to the lives of others. I want to be an angel. I want to soar and fly and just enjoy the breeze and warmth of the sun. I want to bask in the glory of Earth and the beauty of life.

Freedom makes me, I make freedom.

Vampire Diaries

Vampire Diaries

"For over a century I have lived in secret, until now. I know the risk, but I have to know her."

The Puppet

"One lifeless being,
Dancing on the shadowed stage.
Never in limelight."

You know that nothing good is ever going to come out of this and yet you cling on to it like it's everything your life hinges upon. You know that ultimately you are going to be thrashed around and hurt and be inflicted with bruises and yet you still dive straight in. In this game you are just a toy, a mere puppet that is manipulated to extremes. And yet you willingly let yourself be controlled, be led out of rationality, be changed, be not you.

Everyone around you tells you that this is not worth it. Every law of living denotes with certainty that with every action you take you are destroying your life. You wallow in despair; you know for sure that you are simply smearing salt on the many uncountable wounds on that feeble body of yours and yet you do it all the same. You try so hard, too hard even, that in the process you lose sight of why you are even trying so hard. Maybe it was something that meant something to you, something that you hold dear to, something close to your heart. Or is it? You do not know. All you know is that you must salvage it. You are adamant that with dogged determination everything will return to what it once was. You hold on to the belief that with the passage of time the happy memories will start flowing like the river again. Every stream and every droplet of water will satisfy you, quenching your thirst and yearning for embrace.

But reality defies everything that you believe in. All that you know are merely fantasies that your mind feeds you, and the only reason why your mind feeds you that is because you let it. For so long you let yourself sink into a world of mirage where everything around you is unrealistic. Unreliable. Untrustworthy. You feel so cheated, so betrayed. And the only reason you feel what you feel is because you refuse to face up to reality. You refuse to see that what you are doing is meaningless and that nothing is going to change, ever. You try convincing yourself to step out of the shadows that have shrouded your ability to judge, but you can't because you have been so used to the warmth and comfort that the illusions provide. It is just like a sweet dream; it feels so good when you are sleeping, but the moment you wake up and confront reality you feel like you have been banished to hell. To face the demons and be tormented over and over.

Ironically, the agony gathers you the strength to stand on your own two feet again. With each tear you shed you become stronger. It still hurts, but now you have learned how to deal with the pain. You still hope that things get better, but you have also learned to let go and move on. You have been crushed and your heart wrenched, but now you are no longer the puppet that lived his life for the fancy of others.

You know it is time to be yourself, to live life your own way again.

Nights Out

"The murky clouds enveloped the moon menacingly, leaving no trace of the brilliance it once emitted."

Slogging through the 28km route march has conspicuously ripped me of all positivity. Yet I am glad I survived it, and as Kelly Clarkson aptly puts it: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am gratified to be able to proclaim with pride to the world that I am now a fitter soldier. Not the best, but certainly someone truly capable of giving his best.

And now is the time of the week when any cadet would call for a celebration. Nights out today, POP tomorrow. Can life gets any better? Glad for all my section mates who stayed with me throughout these eight weeks, especially my buddy LCK. Without him I would have forgotten my jockey cap a thousand million times, not signed on forms for a hundred trillion times, and so much more. A zillion thanks to all who made these 8 weeks so much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

What prose cannot record will be engraved on the heart, for eternity.

Snow White And The Huntsman

"Darkness consuming,
Threatening to engulf all.
Yet love glows, brightly."

They ran.

Faster and faster, they never stopped in their tracks. For survival, they had to give everything they have. Every breath, every ounce of strength, every pull of their muscle, and every minute action could well decide their fate. Life and death depended on this very run. They pulled open their strides. Pushing forward, they brushed aside the fatigue that their unforgiving minds were sending to their bodies. Their lungs were desperately gasping for air, and yet they never looked back.

The looming shadows towered above them, and in the distance the dark army pursued. In this race, they were just tiny lambs running away from the almighty predators. It seems, almost, futile that they were attempting to live. But they were not willing to give up. In their minds they knew that they were meant for a greater cause. And it is with this knowing that they found renewed strength to continue running. With each step their will to live reignited into bright luminous flames, glaring, bursting with life. Now they are sprinting.

And then they slowed down. For the first time they took a good look at each other. Her face was white as snow, her lips red as blood, and her hair black as night. She was beautiful, but beyond that there was a sense of calmness and purity surrounding her. She, was like no other. He stood tall, that rugged face showing clear signs of a warrior. Like her, there was something special about him. He was brave, a fighter. In those eyes the desire to protect everyone dear to him rages. It was so intense, and that gave her much assurance and comfort. She smiled. Never in her life has she felt so safe before.

They started running again. But this time the run is different. They were no longer running just for their lives. They were no longer running just to fulfill their destinies. Now, at that very moment in time, they were running for each other.

The Man and The Crystal Ball

"Lost in solitude.
Yearning for propinquity,
The man died again."

He looked at the broken fragments in his hands with much anguish. Never had anything looked so ugly and grotesque before. What used to be a beautiful crystal ball is now a wrecked piece of mess. Every fragment of the glass cuts into his palms, blood flows, tears flood. Yet what hurts the most was his heart. The pain within was like a million glass shrapnel piercing, again and again. Over and over, he lived and died. Hope that was once contained within the crystal ball is now shattered. There is no more return.

Not too long ago the man was a happy man. He knew love was within reach, he believed he was loved. When he found the crystal ball, his life brightened instantly. He lived life with ebullience, together with the crystal ball which exuded life and radiance. The crystal ball provided him with sound advice and guided him as he lived his life. Blithe, he never doubted what the crystal ball could do for him.

Then one day cracks started appearing on the crystal ball. Within no time, it started to lose its usual glow. Day passed, and the ball grew dimmer and dimmer. Slowly, the attachment between the man and the crystal ball faded. The crystal ball could no longer provide the man with what he needed. Panic sets in, and the man began on a mad attempt at mending the ball. Yet no matter how hard he tries, the cracks are still ever so obvious. He was frantic, flustered even, but he knows he has to hold on to ball no matter what. In any case, it was the crystal ball that gave him life and renewed hope.

But no, the ball did not piece itself together. Instead, it left itself to fester, to continue disintegrating even when the man was giving all he had to make everything right. The cracks grew wider; the bond between the man and the crystal ball weakened exponentially with each passing day. As uncertainty heightened, the man feared for the worst. He begged, prayed, and hoped repeatedly for the ball to return to what it once was. It never did.

Finally it broke, shattered together with all the hope that the man heaped onto it. The man lost the one thing that stayed with him when he was at his lowest. There was no explanation to this unfortunate turn of events. Why, with dismay he cried, why did all the good times have to turn for the worst? The crystal ball was his harbinger, now it is just an evil monster consuming him from within. He is alone again, but he is much worse off than before. Scars form, while screams of agony escape his lips uncontrollably. Crushing the broken pieces in his palms, he forced one last smile. He rather not have the good times that the crystal have provided him, for it brought along with it pain that he never wanted to feel.

He rather live in solitude, forever.